What do you do when your whole world feels like it’s falling apart and the one person in the entire universe who is supposed to be there for you and lend a shoulder to cry on, is causing the tears?
I am going crazy. I thought days of feeling such emotions were over with. That I had someone that made me feel so loved and actually worth something. Now, I am an inch tall.
Why do I always, fuck things up?
I want this.
(via sexy-sweaters)
I don’t know where I’m at in life or where I’m heading. Everything is so overwhelming and stressful right now. I never pictured my life to be this way. In any aspect of it. It seems everything that I’ve tried to succeed at, I end up failing at. I must be defected. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself over the years. Haven’t been able to find myself yet. I just want to give up on everything all of the time. I mean sure, everyone has it shitty and stressful but I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle, one that I can’t win. I need to find me again. Be in a place where I can breathe again. Where I have control of things. Where I can allow myself to be happy again. Until then, I’m not going to be able to make anyone else happy. Truly happy anyways.
Where I was seven years ago seems like an entirely different universe when compared with where I’m at now. Back then, things were so much more simple. I was carefree & happy. And seven years ago today, marks the day of a downward spiral. Everything has gotten so much worse for me. I miss having my best friend around to talk to. The one person that I could spill my heart out to is gone. That is probably the worst day that I have ever encountered in my life. Natalie was young was she passed, 28. After she died, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. I didnt care about doing anything anymore.Of course I was sad when she died, but more than anything I was mad and angry. I felt betrayed that she would leave me knowing that I had been through this before with my dad. I felt as though it would just leave me adding another name to the “what if” list. What if she were here today, what would she be doing. Even though its hard not to cry thinkin about her, its also hard not to laugh thinking about her because her personality was so infectious. She loved life and loved her family. Out of all of my sisters, I was closest to her. She was always there to lend a shoulder to cry on never criticized or passed judgement on me. She supported me in everything that I did, no matter how crazy it seemed to her. And her laugh. God, I miss her laugh. No matter how I was feeling, just hearing her laugh would brighten my day up. I’d end up fogetting why I was down in the first place. She made me so happy. I miss her every single day. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t hear a song, taste a food, or see something that reminds me of her. As the years pass by, I’m afraid that the memories I cling to are going to start slipping away. What I would give just to have another day with her. To hug her. To hear her laugh. To see her smile. I miss my sister more than words can express. Sometimes I sit and think about how different both our lives would be if she were still here today. How our children could play together. How we would grow old with gray hair crackin jokes at one another. However, those only images conjured up in my mind. Never to be a reality. But I cherish the moments that we were able to share and the memories that we created together. Even though she isnt here, she will forever be a part of who I am and who I want to be. I love and miss her very much and it was such a blessing and true honor to have had her as my sister for 14 years.
Natalie Noel Naud
December 24,1974-August 17,2003
So, Im just sitting here thinking that since this is new to me and I dont have but one person following me, that its kinda like a secret. I like secrets. Sometimes. Not all the time though. Well, let’s just put it this way, I like secrets when I know about them, but then are they secrets…geez. Anywho, Im supposed to be packing my belongings for Chicago, but I havent done so yet. Shame on me. Instead I am on here talking to…you? Me? No one? Idk. Im by myself and bored so this is the end product. A blog about nothing. Gah.
Meh.
Well, this is kinda odd. Im sitting here pretty much talking to myself about how my day was. Or hoping that someone else will read about how my day was. That is really narcissistic when you think about it. But continuing on, I slept in until like 2 today which was really nice and then had to go to work at 5 which sucked, but tomorrow is my last day. After work I went to Taco Bell and was in the drive-thru and some douchebag (actually 2) just sit there blocking the exit. Apparently they were waiting on some food to be brought out to them. So naturally, I blow my horn. They move up maybe 2 feet and continue to sit there. Of course, I roll down my window and yell “Can you pull in a parking space so I can leave?!” and all I get in return in a confused look. Thank you moron. That’s pretty much my day. Oh and my yorkie-poo sam tried to eat my Hawaiian sweet rolls in my bed. I found the package in my bed when I got home.
